Carpe the Freezer! or Why my UPS man needs a raise

Every once in a while I get into a crazy clean freak mode. Most recently it manifested itself in a need to clean out the chest freezer. Actually it wasn't as much a desire to clean the freezer as it was the realization that Christmas baking time is fast approaching and storage space for the 160 dozen or so assorted sweets was needed.


After relocating everything- and yes Mr. Fireman, I am quite sure I didn't see any chicken livers in there, and that's my story and I'm sticking to it! Anyway, after relocating things and tossing things no longer fit for human consumption, I decided that I should wash the inside, because how often do you ever get the freezer completely empty? If you live at my house, and have a family full of hunters, fishers and gatherers, that answer is pretty much never, so you seize the moment when you can. Carpe the freezer, so to speak.


If you've met me in real life you realize that I have the same body type as an Umpah Loompah. If you haven't met me in real life then you should assume I am a graceful, willowy blonde, a perfect size 7 with flawless skin and the ability to wear high heels without fear of personal injury. In reality I am 5'10", but have short, stumpy little legs, that are often to blame in my getting strange looks when I ask to try something on from the petite section.


I got the top and sides of the freezer all nice and clean, and even got the bottom mostly wiped out, but there was one of those bright orange SALE! stickers firmly stuck in the back left corner. In my fervor to CLEAN ALL THE THINGS, this was unacceptable. So I reached in, just as far as I could, standing on my tippiest of tippy toes, thinking that if I could just get my fingernail under the corner... And that's when my giant, not anywhere near a perfect size 7 butt, lost the battle with gravity and tipped me into the freezer.


The good news is that I got the @)#^$! sticker removed. The bad news was that I was now balanced, half in and half out of the freezer, feet a couple inches from touching the floor, and while I could touch the freezer floor with my fingers, my arms weren't long enough to give me any kind of a push against the forces of gravity bearing down on my gigantic butt.


Just as I was thinking I was going to have to slide the rest of me into the freezer to be able to climb back out I hear big stompy boots on the back deck. Yay! It was my fireman, home early, just when I needed rescuing! Since the fireman is known to wander in the yard and play in the garage for a bit before making his way into the house, I started yelling for him. Imagine my surprise when it wasn't fireman's head that popped through the doorway, but rather a quite startled looking UPS man.


You know, it's really hard to ask a complete stranger to grab your ass and help you escape from the clutches of gravity and frozen food storage, but I did it anyway. I'm thinking about writing a letter to UPS and thanking them for having an employee who was not only kind enough to grab my ass, but to do so without falling on the floor laughing at me. I also think I need to install an outdoor drop box for any future deliveries, because I can't imagine that he wants to come anywhere near my house again.